a dear friend got attached recently, and naturally our conversations revolve around our significant other.
his gf was attracted to him because he reminds her of her dad.
and he asked if i will want my boyfriend to be like my dad.
the answer was a straight no. without hesitation.
♥
sometimes, i wonder how does it feel to have a fatherly figure at home.
someone to look up to.
someone to guide you along.
♥
instead of typing furiously away on my mobile msn or spamming friends’ walls on facebook on the bus to work, i tucked my handphone into the bag.
as i stared out of the window, i tried to think of the times when i still look upon my papa in awe.
to my amusement, my mind was blank. when did he stopped playing the fatherly role? i can’t even remember.
tried to dig further in an attempt to summon some saccharin memories about him.
nil.
funny, it really is.
the only memories of my childhood are filled with sounds of shattering glasses on the floor. the hysterical shouts and screams in the living room while i cuddled in bed with my siblings.
♥
an incident which i can’t seem to forget, even until now.
it was a day for family breakfast. the four siblings were really excited, as family outings were not a weekly, or even monthly affair. so we squeezed into the rear car seat.
then, something happened. it may be some words said, or some actions which triggered the bomb. i was too young to know what.
next thing i knew, mama alighted the car and slammed the door shut. papa barked at us to get out of his car and drove off, leaving the four of us stranded in the carpark.
no breakfast. no mama. no papa.
♥
talking to mei, and i was lamenting about how my peers seem to be getting way ahead of life than me.
as friends are painting their life with vibrant colours of uni, overseas exchanges, partying and holidays, all i can recall about my teenage and early twenties are work and money and work and money.
times like these, i can’t help but wonder where will i be now if things had been different.
if i had the luxury of living off my parents and depending on them until i complete uni education, will i be a different me?
don’t be mistaken; i don’t hate or resent the fact that i am being born into this family. in fact, i love them. i love my siblings and my nieces and my nephew.
despite living apart from each other for more than 10 years, the four of us are as close as lips and teeth.
i just can’t help but wonder, what if.
♥
no matter what he did, or what he did not, there is still the undeniable biological connection.
though i am expected to earn my own keep since 14. and had to drop out of school to do so.
though i probably only meet him a couple of times in a year, and the only thing which he talks about will be of money, money and money.
though it is not the first time that he got himself into financial problems and tried to seek help from his four children.
is it still my responsibility to bail him out of trouble?
am i being too hard-hearted by rejecting to offer help with a simple ‘no’?
i don’t know. and i don’t really want to know. bottled up anger over the years had blurred the virtue of filial piety.
on an rare occasion when he is in exceptional good mood, he actually agreed to take one of his precious collections out of the display cabinet for me to take some photos.
and after!
did lunch at brotzeit with his ex-classmates last weekend. great food! portion too big though.
german pork and curry sausage ordered by me. nice nice..
and you are my happiness.
